Uplifting New Da Vinci Invention Design Found

By Miles Vandichout

June 10, 2010

FLORENCE, ITALY—A new invention design by Leonardo da Vinci was recently discovered hidden amongst the over 13,000 pages of his journal. The design was found during using a chemical preservation treatment pioneered at the University of San Giovanni in Florence, Italy. The treatment disclosed drawings of a complex machine as well as words written in Da Vinci’s trademark mirror-image cursive. The main text of the drawing states, “Per i miei critici, al fine di renderle il più vicino possibile a Dio.” (“For my critics, to bring them as close as possible to God.”)

The drawing depicts an intricate, approximately 12-foot frame built to bear great weight, with a single crank attached to eight individual pulley systems, each rigged with cables and self-closing hooks—cousins to the modern ropework carabiner. The hooks are portrayed as attaching to the back flap of an individual’s pants or underpants. Dr. Alfonso D. Monteverdi, Da Vinci expert and dean of San Giovanni’s College of Da Vinci Studies, interprets the invention to have one clear use: to cause simultaneous discomfort to eight Da Vinci critics by “lifting them off the floor and lodging their underpants or other clothing between their buttocks with the simple turn of a crank.” Monteverdi suggests that “only Da Vinci could have been capable of administering so many wedgies at once. He is truly a genius. Our genius!”

Da Vinci detractors have challenged the drawing’s authenticity and the validity of Monteverdi’s interpretation, citing the fact that, as Bulbi Vicentiezo stated, “Leonardo was immature, but this is beyond even ‘the Master’ himself.” Monteverdi responded that “It looks like [Vicentiezo] wants to be off the hook, as it were.”

US Congress Pushes High Quality Mandates

By Miles Vandichout

June 9, 2010

WASHINGTON—In response to complaints from consumer watchdog group US Consumers for Consuming Consumers’ Consumption, which has found some high-quality US products to be “too expensive for middle and working class buyers,” House speaker Nancy Pelosi has set a strict timetable for lawmakers to act on bills that would mandate “sky-high minimum quality standards” and “rock-bottom maximum prices,” create a new executive branch oversight authority, and designate violation of the law as a third degree felony. President Barack Obama joined Pelosi’s call for quick action, citing a US quality management system that is “deeply fractured” and which he believes ought to be “reset, and yesterday, if possible.”

The bills making their way through the US Congress share two common traits: they are all relatively lengthy bills and all emphasize perfection. The longest bill, introduced by Rep. Dennis Kucinich (Rep-Ohio), is over 1300 pages long, while the shortest bill just tops 900 pages. The shared basis for all nine of the “Quality Bills” is the early 1990s lyrical truism penned by Robert Matthew Van Winkle—better known by the stage name “Vanilla Ice”— stating that “Anything less than the best is a felony.” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (Rep-Nev.) introduced the lyric to senior leaders of the Democratic Party in late May, urging them to “whip this up ASAP , because not only is it true that sub-par quality and prices are a truly criminal act perpetuated against the American people whose rights we, the United States Congress, must protect, but also, we need to energize our voters.” Kucinich, among others, moved quickly to draft lyric-inspired legislation and introduce his bill. Under the Kucinich bill, the third degree felony would be punishable by up to three years in prison and a $10,000 dollar fine.

In a late afternoon press conference yesterday, President Obama stated that “[i]f we are quick to act, we can make the words of ‘Rob the Rapper’ not just a dream, but a reality. Our swift response to this, the pressing crisis of our times, will show Americans that we are still capable of doing hard things—things like making first-rate caviar and Rolex wristwatches affordable for all Americans, not just Fat Cat bankers, CEOs, and politicians.” Obama has pledged that with passage of any of the bills he will appoint a new Luxury Goods Czar—his “deLux Czar,” he quipped. He said, “The days of eating crummy street-vended hotdogs are over. Everyone will inexpensively enjoy top-quality everything from now on. And I mean everything.”

Homes, Businesses, Labs--Not Safe:
"X Black" on the loose!

Nature News--In a brilliant bit of journalistic reporting I recently learned of a research lab in California that became the first to fall victim to the psychopathic escapades of "X Black", vandal and fiend. Protein crystals from the lab worth over $0.5 million were destroyed when, masquerading as one Silvya Oommachen, "X black" broke into the lab and removed 5,000 of said crystals from the freezer. The ruined samples were found with handwritten post-it notes signed by the elusive criminal explaining that her overloaded work schedule and it's ensuing "bad Karma" had been the cause of the attack.
Authorities are investigating the crime, but other than an extra two to three months of hard work to re-grow the crystals, nothing can be done to restore the samples to the lab. Very unfortunate.
So, I would warn you all, beware! You never know when the "X-black" will strike, or where!





For more information please go to www.nature.com.

Man on the Moon!
40 Years!

Whenever I think that men have walked on the moon--I am amazed! The Moon Landing is a great example of our potential as humankind and even as individuals. It shows that men are capable of accomplishing almost anything they put their minds too. I just finished reading Lost Moon by Jim Lovell and would recommend it!

Elderly Woman: Local gang vandalizes the Internet with newspaper full of rubbish

Neighborhood vigilantes and one particularly nosey elderly woman, who prefers to remain anonymous, have reported numerous recent sitings of preposterously false news articles, "disgracing the face of the last thing we can hold pure and sacred in this country, the Internet." The news articles are reportedly devised by a group of local hoodlums, caught up in a painfully sad display of delusions of grandeur combined with the inability to let go of their past.

Said Nosey, as the old bag prefers to be called, "I gathered the other neighborhood vigilantes for a meeting... you know, Batman was there... Green Lantern... The Tick came late, but he made it. Anyway, they were all there and we had tea and just the most lovely krumpets and..." She then rambled on for about half and hour before coming up with this little publishable jem, "Death to whitey!" It can be assumed with little doubt she was refering to the same local riffraff responsible for the digital grafitti.

Should these scoudrels choose to strike again, our team of in-house, fact-finding monkeys indicate that it is likely to occur at flyingbullnews.blogspot.com. Lock your doors and bar the windows. We are in for a storm.

The Presidential Oath Flubbed:

How does that go again Mr. Chief Justice Roberts?

As he promised, our newly elected President has come to the White House ready to make some changes, even to the constitutionally established Presidential Oath. Wait, what was that--"faithfully execute the office of President of the United States" or "execute the office of President of the United States faithfully"? Whoops!
I am sure that Obama had been memorizing and re-memorizing the oath and then when incorrectly administered to him by Chief Justice Roberts he of course paused recognizing the error. I mean what would you do? Smartly, after only a brief moment he repeated what was said to him. That was some very quick thinking and a good sign for things to come. We may have someone in the White House who can think on their feet.

Image from the BBC

This is the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln when he was sworn in as President of the United States--very cool!

"Who are those guys?"

--Robert Leroy Parker (in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid)

Can anything for certain be said at all about the death of Robert Parker, aka Butch Cassidy? Could he really have been gunned down in some secluded, miniscule Bolivian town? Perhaps. Or, perhaps not. And so what can we say? Maybe it was all an elaborate scheme by Cassidy to fake his death and escape the law. After all, who can get a break when you're being hunted? The constant pressing and monotonousness of being pursued would lead anyone to ask, "Who are those guys?". And so for one lousy second of peace and quiet wouldn't you do the same? I would.