US Congress Pushes High Quality Mandates

By Miles Vandichout

June 9, 2010

WASHINGTON—In response to complaints from consumer watchdog group US Consumers for Consuming Consumers’ Consumption, which has found some high-quality US products to be “too expensive for middle and working class buyers,” House speaker Nancy Pelosi has set a strict timetable for lawmakers to act on bills that would mandate “sky-high minimum quality standards” and “rock-bottom maximum prices,” create a new executive branch oversight authority, and designate violation of the law as a third degree felony. President Barack Obama joined Pelosi’s call for quick action, citing a US quality management system that is “deeply fractured” and which he believes ought to be “reset, and yesterday, if possible.”

The bills making their way through the US Congress share two common traits: they are all relatively lengthy bills and all emphasize perfection. The longest bill, introduced by Rep. Dennis Kucinich (Rep-Ohio), is over 1300 pages long, while the shortest bill just tops 900 pages. The shared basis for all nine of the “Quality Bills” is the early 1990s lyrical truism penned by Robert Matthew Van Winkle—better known by the stage name “Vanilla Ice”— stating that “Anything less than the best is a felony.” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (Rep-Nev.) introduced the lyric to senior leaders of the Democratic Party in late May, urging them to “whip this up ASAP , because not only is it true that sub-par quality and prices are a truly criminal act perpetuated against the American people whose rights we, the United States Congress, must protect, but also, we need to energize our voters.” Kucinich, among others, moved quickly to draft lyric-inspired legislation and introduce his bill. Under the Kucinich bill, the third degree felony would be punishable by up to three years in prison and a $10,000 dollar fine.

In a late afternoon press conference yesterday, President Obama stated that “[i]f we are quick to act, we can make the words of ‘Rob the Rapper’ not just a dream, but a reality. Our swift response to this, the pressing crisis of our times, will show Americans that we are still capable of doing hard things—things like making first-rate caviar and Rolex wristwatches affordable for all Americans, not just Fat Cat bankers, CEOs, and politicians.” Obama has pledged that with passage of any of the bills he will appoint a new Luxury Goods Czar—his “deLux Czar,” he quipped. He said, “The days of eating crummy street-vended hotdogs are over. Everyone will inexpensively enjoy top-quality everything from now on. And I mean everything.”